Freaking out a bit

I have a very new boyfriend. And I’m already freaking out about food.

I so don’t want to come across weird in terms of eating, so I’m finding that I’m pretending to ‘be normal’. Cooking food that I think will appear ‘normal’, rather than food I LIKE AND WOULD RATHER CHOOSE TO EAT.

What’s he gonna do? Dump me? How about that for a freak out *lol*. In fact it’s all going very well, and he couldn’t probably give a toss about what I eat, as long as I eat something!

IN FACT what seemed for a few weeks to be about how what I eat seems to other people, is turning out – QUITE CLEARLY – to be about me freaking out about how quickly the relationship is becoming rather serious. I’ve been finding myself eating quite out of the ordinary – both in terms of what I’m eating, and how much. It’s all been getting a bit out of hand.

But you know what? I’ve caught myself red handed: why would I eat loads of crap now when in the very early days of the relationship I was hardly eating at all?? WELL BECAUSE I’M AFRAID TO FEEL WHAT I’M FEELING. I’m so bloody terrified to admit to myself, let alone to anyone else, how badly I’ve fallen for this guy that I’ve fallen back to my old familiar way of bingeing to avoid feeling what I’m feeling.

I’m still not sure what it is that I’m actually feeling. I’m still terrified. It ANNOYS ME to know this, and still not be able to face my feelings. I WANT TO KNOW!!!! But I’m just so incredibly afraid to know what it is. Why? Because if I admit that I’ve really fallen for him, then there’s every chance to fall with a real crash. And I don’t know if I would survive that. I really really like this guy!!

I’m so screwed with this one. I am really struggling to do a proper thought record, just scribbling bits and bobs, knowing all the while that those aren’t the real deal.

HELP!!!

A thing I have learned: the breakfast

(LighterLife Management – ongoing)

Breakfast is a girl’s best friend. I have skipped breakfast only a very, very few times this year, and each time I have a) been very very conscious about it throughout the day, b) been starving mid-morning, and c) eaten badly for the rest of the day. Added to that, I feel like I’ve cheated myself somehow, and caught myself doing it.

So I tend to do breakfast these days. I try to have a proper meal for breakfast, in terms of how much I eat (doesn’t mean I have steak!!). I try to have a protein heavy breakfast. I try to balance with good carbs like fruit or berries.

I try to not make excuses. Of course there are time issues – most mornings in fact – but you know what? I am rather late from work than skip my breakfast. THAT’S how committed I am.

I’m not eating an entirely healthy diet at the moment, but even so, keeping to the breakfast routine makes me feel overall better about myself, and helps me not to beat myself up about some other not-so-clever choices around food that I am currently making.

It’s amazing. I never thought breakfast could make such a difference. It is true what ‘they’ say: breakfast does set the tone for the day.

What happened in Months 6 and 7 of Management?

(LighterLife Management – Month 8)

So what did happen? Seeing that I had a serious writer’s block oh bugger, everything block through November and December, I am trying to capture at least bits of it posthumously here. Using that particular word because it does feel like I’m rewinding my head somewhere quite far back that doesn’t feel so real anymore.

Month 6: my 1st month post-Geneen

As of the retreat itself, I am still struggling to answer the question “How was it?” It was amazingly hard work, for one!! Five 14-hour days of very emotionally charged work on myself, filled with talking, silence, meditation, eating, writing and soul-searching. I went from being scared shitless to panic mode to wanting to burst from happiness to deep into introspection.

All in all very rewarding :D. Of course it opened up a hell of a can of wormy questions, but at the same time started to open up my mind to understanding what is needed to move forward.

And forward I moved. For example I realised that one loving thing I want to do for myself is to find a therapist. Although the retreat was very American in participation, one of the instructors lives in Europe and was able to recommend someone in London. I went to see her a couple of times but came to the conclusion that I would actually prefer a more ‘American’ style therapist, as this one seemed too passive for my needs, although I loved the particular style she practices which is called biodynamic psychotherapy, founded by Gerda Boyesen.

I also met soooo many wonderful people at the retreat!! Hearing their stories and feeling all the compassion and support made me feel so humble as I once more had to face the fact that none of us needs to struggle alone unless we choose to do so. It IS hard to ask for help, but there is a whole load of people in this world who are dealing with the same eating issues as you or me. Even though we all have our own reasons.

However on the whole November also saw me having a massive counter reaction to having let myself feel vulnerable for those 5 days. Boy did I fall apart surely and rapidly!! I cancelled my participation on the next retreat in May (now I’m able to think about it again), and basically clammed myself shut in all the ways you can think of, and did nothing but worked and ate all month.

And I stopped cycling to work and started taking the bus, which contributed to other undesirable habits.

And I didn’t write down a WORD. Anywhere.

Month 7: the month of running

Work continued as extreme and as extremely busy, so running from myself remained easy, really. Aided by the festive season with all of its parties and whatnots. There isn’t anything new or special that happened in the run up to Christmas apart from some heightened work stress which luckily got resolved before the holidays.

I feel that mostly December was just a continuum from November, with me still hardly writing a word to anyone or anywhere, consuming increasing amounts of sweets, pizza, takeaways and drink, observing myself doing it, feeling the tightness of my clothes, yet doing nothing about it.

All December I wanted nothing as much as to stop running, but all I could manage was to think the thought, not actually do anything about it. Wait, that’s actually wrong! CLEARLY I must have wanted not to stop more than I wanted to stop.

So what’s with all the running?

I don’t know yet. Curiously, browsing back my own entries, I now realise that I had this running sensation already back in October. I have to think about it a bit more to work out what all is entangled in that.

As a summary of my post-Geneen life so far I can say that the processing seems only to have begun, and is likely to take a looooong time yet.

Cutting back like normal people

(LighterLife Management – Month 8)

I’m trying something ‘normal’ people do: CUTTING BACK.

One day back in December, or could have been November, I woke up one morning and noticed that my just washed favourite pair of jeans felt way too tight around the waste, producing a bulge that is both uncomfortable and unsightly – the donut.

AND. Here’s the biggie: the first thought to pop into my head was ‘Oh, I need to cut back for a bit’. Now I don’t want to exaggerate and call it a breakthrough, but…. A breakthrough!!!!! I don’t remember having that thought for…. ever?? Sure not ever, but for YEARS.

Around the same time I started to get that ever-familiar feeling of uncomfort from not moving. I hadn’t cycled for a couple of months, first because the weather was crap, and then because it was too cold to breath if you were on the move. I actually yearned to go for a run. A run!! Gee…

And you know what I did then? I proceeded by not doing anything about it!!

But now. I have decided not to punish myself for not doing nothing then. I am rewarding myself for having thought the thought in the first place, and doing something about it now. Not because it’s a New Year. Because I’ve managed to hold still just enough to breath a bit and realise that the urge to move my butt hasn’t disappeared anywhere.

So on Tuesday this week I rejoined my local gym!! It was actually a great suprise that they had changed the whole management, refurbished the gym, added Power Plates which I love!!! and also changed the membership options so that I was able to join for 6 months instead of for ever. I ended up feeling rather happy, not resentful :)

Also apart from the 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s that I ‘found’ in my freezer over this week, I have made an effort to only eat at home and only eat something I’ve prepared. No takeaways, no ready meals, no deliveries. It’s only been a few days but I’m doing ok. I have gone out and seen friends and ok I did have one burger with chips but apart from that it’s been good.

Oh, and you know what I did at the gym? I did run. And it took me right back to when I first tried it… and the experience was not much different, I was even using the same audio!! It’s weird how running is such a hurdle for me, and yet I quite fancy being able to do it!

It’s strange really. Whilst I know ‘normal’ people are able to cut back when they feel they’ve overendulged, and it would be nice (!) to know I was able to do the same, yet at the same time… somehow it feels like for me it’s like I’ve managed to swap the headless and fruitless running from myself that I’ve been doing for the past 2 months, to real running.

Maybe there’s something there. Hmmm. No way of knowing for sure – is there ever!!! We’ll have to wait and see.

Watching the weight at year end

(LighterLife Management – Month 7)

These are the facts: 2 years ago around this time, I weighted almost 90 kilos. 1 year ago this time I weighted at around 80 kilos. This time, I have just reached (upwards) the 70 kilo mark.

Do not be fooled to think this is a result of mindful and patient weight loss!!!!! *LOL* I’m sorry, but at this stage of my life and everything I’ve already been through with my weight that thought is just too funny to even think :D OH NO. The yo-yo that is my weight has gotten smaller!!

Looking at it from this angle, I am actually rather delighted!! Yes in some ways it’s still nothing more than horrendous yo-yo’ing, the kind I have sworn SO MANY TIMES that has to end. But in other ways it is proof that things can and will move forward!!!! Life will carry!!!!!!!! In two full years’ time I have in fact come down a full 20 kilos.

Just so you don’t think I’m all smiles here, I have actually very recently put on about 5 kilos which I don’t want, and am having a hard time facing the facts. Those facts are that I did it by bingeing – albeit not as aggressively as I once might have – and that I have to do something about it myself.

But I am already envisioning 2009… Maybe at the end of the year I’ll be around the 65 kilo mark – I can happily see it’s a real possibility!!!!!!!!

Management – Month 5 summary

(LighterLife Management – Month 5)

So this is my life pre-Geneen. I think all October I’ve been pretending that I’m ok, that life is normal, that I’m just like anybody else. Whether it’s been because I’m so NERVOUS about the workshop (I’m flying today!!) or whether I’m just so nervous IN GENERAL about having to face up to the fact that I’m not ok and I’m not like anybody else. I don’t know.

I’ve been running

I haven’t really kept still enough to listen to any of my inner thoughts… I feel like I’ve just been running, running, running… keeping busy like hell, going out of my comfort zone in many ways but not really seeing things through… I’ve signed up to a dating website, freaked out about having to actually chat to someone, gone on a date which was amusing as encounters go but disasterous as a date. I’ve gone out on a limb and told a new friend about my eating problems, then freaked out about having done so. I’ve really poured myself into work but also filled the rest of my time with all sorts of social events. And I’ve not stopped. Not once.

I’m starting to remember

I’ve finally started reading the 3rd book suggested as pre-workshop reading, called When Food is Love. It’s quite heavy reading but a lot of it rings a bell. A HUGE BELL. I’m recognising patterns, habits, mechanisms, reactions, thoughts that center around trying to avoid intimacy with people. Not just men, people. I’m beginning to remember having had those for a long time.

Triggered by what I’ve been reading, I’ve gone back to a couple of pieces of my own writing – I suppose you could call them poems – that I wrote 2, 4, 6 years ago. I had to really dig to find them. And when I read them again, I almost died from remembering the pain, the despair, the place with no hope. For a flash second I almost fell back in there, into the pit. Then I realised that I’m not there anymore, that I’ve moved on. BUT at the same time, the fundamental issues have not “gone away”. And that I’m quite scared that the workshop will bring them up and force me to deal with them again. The insecurities, the fear of abandonment, the choking inability to get over myself and live.

I’m avoiding myself

This is typical of me. I feel like I SHOULD’VE COULD’VE made a proper effort to prepare for the workshop. I mean I’m flying today !!!!! I’ve been telling myself all month that I will have the 11-hour flight all to myself to think, dwell and cry about my life. Now I’m in the middle of half-hearted packing efforts and I realise I don’t even have a clue over what the weather is like over where I’m going, and I fear that the 11-hour flight will not be enough.

Not enough for what? For processing everything that’s lurking in my head, getting a bit of it out on paper, doing a bit of healthy crying and taking a proper nap before I join 40-50 other women and get to do it all over again in a group!!

Most of all, I’ve been avoiding thinking about what this workshop means to me, what I’m really expecting. Because I’m scared that I’m expecting it to FIX ME in some magical way. And I know it’s not gonna.

I guess I’m in a pretty lonely place at the moment. I’m tired and I’m finding it hard to convince myself I’m ok.

PS: sorry this was written on Oct 27th and meant to be published but something went wrong and I was offline for a whole week so here you go finally – haven’t changed a word!

A new kind of terror – coming out

(LighterLife – Management Month 5)

Do you have to tell? I was introduced to a lovely guy some 6 months ago when I was just entering Week 5 of Route to Management, so he’s only seen me at my ‘normal’: back to drinking and eating real food, and pretty much within one size!

I didn’t realise this but my friend who introduced us never told him I used to be fat. Come to think of it now, WHY WOULD HE HAVE???? BUT. Therein lies my dilemma. Do you tell you used to weigh 4 stone more? And if you do, when is the right time? And IS IT NECESSARY AT ALL?

Well. With this guy I was caught out unintentionally because we were talking about meeting up later this month and I (obviously, since I don’t think much before I say stuff) said I’m gonna be away almost week and a half, and he of course asked where. I tried a vague ‘Northern California’ but we all know ‘california’ is such an attractive destination that you can’t really NOT discuss details… I felt very flustered and didn’t know what to say, but on the other hand I wanted to explain what I was going to do. So I told him. And in order to tell him I had to (=I felt like I had to) explain about the weight thing and all that. So I did.

I felt like I was on such shaky ground. I haven’t done this before with people that never saw me bigger than what I’m now… there aren’t that many people who haven’t, especially considering last year’s yo-yo’ing and everything that came before that!!!! I felt so vulnerable, scared, fragile. I don’t know what I was expecting – probably for him to get up and go ‘aha! I knew you were a freak with no self-esteem’ and walk away??

Probably.

And you know what he said? He said it’s interesting because ‘obviously’ he never thought of me as anything other than the ’small girl’ that I am now (bless him, I almost cried at that), but that it definitely gave him a more rounded picture on who I am as a person. He didn’t seem disturbed in any way, which was a relief to me but at the same time it was WEIRD. In fact it led to him talking about his relationship with weight (rather the opposite, i.e. always having been quite a stick insect) and how that’s changed now that his job is desk-bound rather than mobile.

It turned out a very adult conversation. I was so amazed. But as we were deep in conversation I didn’t really have time to dwell on the fact that he took it all in his stride. Which was good for the situation and for me. I’m still trying to get over it. It felt so terrifying, having to expose myself in such a way. It almost made me feel angry. Angry thinking ‘is this my life from now on, having to explain that I used to be thin, then I became a binge eater, and then I lost the weight and learned to live differently and here we are now, trying to cope’…

SUCKS.

Another related thing I’ve been thinking about recently is how the hell people like Geneen Roth cope with exposing all of their vulnerabilities, insecurities and all the pain and shit they’ve been through, their naivety, stupidity and all, to all of the world, and still are able to gain the world’s respect, with no-one actually questioning their sanity or authority???? HOW DOES ONE GET THERE?

Leaves just one real question: Where is my self-esteem?

Intervention complete

(LighterLife Management – Month 5)

I almost didn’t watch it. I nearly almost couldn’t. If I had had wine or chocolate or anything yummy but unhealthy in the house, I would’ve quite probably have downed it in order to keep watching.

What, you ask. Freaky Eaters: Addicted to… chocolate, which is a reality program about ‘extreme’ eaters. Last week it was someone who refused to eat anything but chips. And then a bunch of experts ‘fixed’ him. This week it was a young binge eater girl who had put on 3 stone in 7 months. Most people probably went “oh my god how did she do that” but I found myself nodding at that – perfectly doable…

So you can understand how that caught my interest. I thought, ok, this is clearly not merely about chocolate, which would’ve been a bit boring. So I decided to watch. I thought it would make an amusing viewing, the 2 experts trying to ‘cure’ a binge eater in just 3 weeks. HA! I thought. They can try all they can, me, I know better, she’s not going to just stop bingeing if you tell her to talk about her feelings instead of eating to avoid them. I KNOW BETTER!!!!

I didn’t. I was wrong. They succeeded. It can be done.

Their big aim was to stop her from eating in secret. They involved the whole family, for example telling the mother that when the girl would say she’s going to the shops for some chocolate, instead of trying to stop her which obviously hurt her feelings and made her all the more determined and probably added to the shopping basket, ask if she can come along. Little things like that, to stop judging and start listening. Stop trying to solve her issues, just listen. Give her space. Make her feel she has a right to exist, to take space, no matter what she’s feeling.

I really feared they would fail. And that’s why I almost couldn’t watch it all the way through. I suppose I’m so conditioned to expect failure from my own efforts that I’m not allowing it for other people either. Hmmm.

Anyway, she came through, the whole family did, and it was already making a difference to just how she was carrying herself after a few short weeks. I felt happy for her in the end. I felt hopeful for all binge eaters in the world. But at the same time I felt sad. Yes, sad, for not ever having the opportunity to arrange for similar support from my family or friends. Obviously because I don’t live with them and they weren’t there to witness the actual eating, but also because no TV crew with all the experts money can buy ever barged into my life when I had just gained 3 stone or whatever and told me they would help me stop my insane and self-destructive behaviour…

But I’m over the instantaneous self-pity now. Instead I’m thinking maybe there’s something about the idea of aiming to eat whatever you’re eating in ‘public’, openly. Even if there aren’t masses of people around to witness, even if it’s just me. And even if no-one else knows that’s what I’m doing. That’s an important thought for me. Even if no-one else knows. It means I accept that change comes from within me. It can only be done by me. And it’s as valid as anything.

Interestingly – it’s just hit me now – that’s what all the self-help books about emotional eating are banging on about. About taking responsibility for my own life. About being the only person who can change my life. Aren’t they?

Negotiating with yourself

(LighterLife Management – Month 5)

Should I stay (home, isolated but safe, in control) or should I go (out, exposing myself to the ‘elements’ and temptations)?? That IS often the question. And because I still tend to slide on the direction of trying to please other people, I often go out and take my chances, sometimes with dramatically destructive results… And I know I’m not in this alone.

So here’s a clever post about collaborative decision-making: negotiating a win-win situation.

It’s bang on the money – and immediately made me think, hmmm, this is INSTANTLY APPLICAPLE TO MY LIFE! How fantastic!!!! And in more ways than one – yes I can use this with my friends but I can also use it to negotiate with myself…. You know, between my Child, Parent and Adult selves…

Thank you, Angry Fat Girlz :D

Management – Month 4 summary

(LighterLife Management – Month 4)

It’s all gone to the dogs, a bit. It’s like I’ve been living in a different mental zone all month. It’s been a whole load of takeaways, eating out with lots of drinking and all too little sleep. That’s it in a nutshell.

September started out rather well, with good intentions and general good moods, with no major drama. And there never was any major drama, but SOMEHOW I managed to let myself down in more ways than one, with the result that I’ve been wearing a pair of jeans I had just couple of months ago comtemplated getting rid of…

Some of this month, like lack of sleep AND suffering from a persistent flu, makes perfect sense as for having stirred up things. BUT I have also started to exercise more and been rather sensible about that. So it’s not like I just let go of everything. And at the same time it’s just like that. I mean, it’s MADNESS, all these takeaways and stuff. And all tying back into drinking. Well, most of it. NO, almost all of it.

Volatitility

I have felt extremely vulnerable, as I always do when eating goes haywire and I put on weight. I have lashed out at people at work, or been reacting ‘badly’, getting odd looks. I’ve been so defensive about silly stuff, it’s not good. And any old thing has made me feel like I’m about to crumble to pieces.

Also last week when I went to the LL meeting I had just finished a 2-night-in-a-row kebab and bread binge, and was barely able to step on the scales from all the self-loathing. I wouldn’t have gone but I desperately wanted and needed more foodpacks. And it wasn’t my councellor, she was on holiday so we got a stand-in. At this stage of my LL journey it’s all about trust and being able to show up when I’m feeling at the very lowest and crappest, and I just cannot BEAR the thought of talking to anyone other than the person who has seen me work through all the shit so far. And I never felt it so poignantly as when the stand-in lady said “half a stone in 2 weeks – how did you do that?” I grabbed my foodpacks and ran. I felt betrayed, alone, and hopeless. It was such a low point summing up every single bad feeling during the whole of September.

Anxiety

I have been anxious about the approaching Geneen Roth retreat. Don’t get me wrong, I have been ever so grateful to my own good self back in May for booking it!!!!!! Had I left the booking ‘for later’ I don’t think I would have ever managed to get around to it. But that’s also meant I have had to wait for a long time until I received any further info on what to expect, and that’s been playing with my head a bit. I’m better now, got some tips on pre-retreat reading and stuff. Feeling calm about it, and, yes, HAPPY for doing it :)

Black pepper deficit

You think I’ve gone mad…. But I ran out of black pepper (whole ones, for my grinder) early in September and by some strange streak so did all my local supermarkets. As I’m typing I’m munching away on a lovely bean salad with oodles and oodles of black pepper, nearly making me cough but I don’t care!! I have really, really missed it!!!!

Apparently black pepper is a great source of manganese, vitamin K and iron. Clearly, my odd-ball diet this month has resulted in imbalances of all sort in my system, and the black pepper craving is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Not even a daily dose of Berocca has been able to fix it.

What now

The question, obviously, is WHY. Why why why why why. Why have I yet again turned to food? But you know what. Instead of trying to answer it right now, I’m going to continue with my newfound determination in order to shake the excess kilos and get on with my life. I’m going to drink a lot less. And less often. I’m going to try and shake the worst of the remaining flu and get back onto some exercise.

And I’m going to TRUST the universe a bit and leave some of the answer seeking to the end of month so that I can hopefully do that with Geneen. God I can’t comprehend I’m going to meet her!! Just knowing that makes me feel more confident. Weird, huh.

Oh, and I’m going to get a LOT more sleep. At the expense of other commitments, if that’s the price to pay.