Someone explain this thing called normality!

(LighterLife Route to Management – Week9 Day2)

I wish someone would observe a perfectly normal person without any eating disorders and write a book about their eating and how they cope with life. It would be absolutely fascinating to read, after everything I have read, heard and learned about people with eating and drinking problems. NORMAL PEOPLE!! How do they do it?

Once again I’ve been observing my colleagues and just any odd ‘other’ people around me when they snack on chips, crisps and cakes, seemingly without care. And I still don’t get it. These people aren’t ALL exercise fanatics who will ‘work it out’ at the gym either beforehand or the next day. These are just, well, NORMAL PEOPLE. Do they not eat anything else that day? Do they not eat much anything the next day? No, that can’t be it. These are the people who will have a glass or two or three of wine every time it’s available (I’m referring to work situations here), and the nibbles that always come with it. How do they cope? They are also the very people who will order a pizza the next day to ease their hangover. So WHERE and HOW do they balance it all out to REMAIN THE SAME SIZE year after year?!?!??!?!

Or is that all my imagination? Does every person have to watch how and what and how much they eat ALL THE TIME? Am I just fooled in my eating disorder -damaged brain into thinking that me and ‘my kind’ are the only ones struggling with BALANCE?!!?!?

I know I know, I HAVE been asking these questions from my friends, people I know, colleagues, etc. And there are answers that people repeatedly give me: “I just eat a bit less the next day” or “I don’t eat so much during the day” or “I try not to drink a couple of nights beforehand”. All very fine and well, but it doesn’t explain how it actually WORKS in their brain. How can anyone REALLY be that sensible? Most of the time I find it hard to believe. Why? Because although I know that it takes a long while (6 months – a year – 5 years…) for habits to change and the body to learn new ways of existing, I am currently finding it hard to trust that things will change for me. Like, you know, FOR REAL.

Even though of course things already have changed. In these past 4 months I have led quite a different life to what I was living during the second half of 2007. A VERY different life. Maybe I’m too close to it, it being my life and me being in the middle of it no matter when and how I try to look at it ‘objectively’. There is no such thing as objectivity when one observes oneself. Really. Is there? I know TOO MUCH about myself, my history, my weight history and my eating problems to not have that information skew my observations even when I’m at my ‘most rational’, whatever that means!!!!!! That’s why I can’t trust myself to properly learn the ‘right things’ from other people, either.

I guess I’m looking out for an authority. But I don’t know what on. Normality? Not eating disorders. My life is filled with those people. Well not filled but that’s what the whole LL is about, dealing with how I eat. It’s filled with people who understand EATING, not with people who understand NORMALITY. And I say that with utmost respect and love to my fellow LighterLifers. I’m two thirds through my Route to Management, and I’m afraid that I still haven’t a clue on what normality is. So how am I going to FIND IT and LIVE IT ?!?!?!?!??