Living the dream – but which one?

(LighterLife Route to Management – Week10 Day3)

Some days ago I wrote about needing to find an authority, and I didn’t know what for. I thought I needed it for eating. I was wrong. It was FOR LIVING THE DREAM.

I was walking through some streets near my neighborhood yesterday, and happened by a little bookstore I hadn’t known was there. Having time in my hands, I popped in. The first book that I laid my eyes on was Kathleen Flinn’s The sharper your knife, the less you cry. A true story about a 36-year old woman (Ok so we’re the same age, I thought) who had lived and worked in London as a foreigner (Ok so she knows what THAT’s like, I mused), who finds herself without a job (Ok not quite the same as being indecisive about several job offers but could happen to me, I thought), who takes a leap of faith and leaves for Paris to pursue her dream of studying at the famous Le Cordon Bleu….

And that’s where the similarities ended. Because at that moment I realised I have never gone anywhere to pursue a dream. I HAVE NEVER PURSUED A DREAM!!!!!!!! What is my dream? Why haven’t I pursued it? She’s doing it. She’s REALLY doing it. I could be her. It’s possible. I could be doing it. I SHOULD BE DOING IT!!!!!!!!!

So obviously I had to buy the book!!!!! I felt silly buying the first book I saw without so much as a glance at any other books!! The old very powerful need to please people by behaving like ‘everyone else’ almost came over me and for a second or two I felt maybe I should at least pretend to look at other books. The same way I used to behave with FOOD – for example ordering and eating a whole dessert because that’s what I thought people do. And that’s what’s appropriate and accepted behaviour. Isn’t it MAD how deep these behaviours have infiltrated?!?!? Into how I feel about buying a bloody BOOK!!! But the moment passed (!!!!!!!!!) and I proceeded to pay & leave the shop without ever learning what other books they sell!! I conclude that I should therefore be able to continue to skip dessert when eating out :D

Back to the point. I have just read the first 16 pages and I had to stop because I feel so out of breath!! My head is buzzing. During those 16 pages I kept thinking this is the book I want to write. Not about a cookery school! About going ‘out there’ and pursuing my dream: I want there to be a story like this about me. And is it true: do I really not know what my dream is? Have I REALLY never pursued a dream? I mean, I’m here, aren’t I? I came to London for a reason, surely. Or did I just come to get away from somewhere else? Was there a ‘dream’ involved? And why can’t I write DREAM as if it’s a real word, a true thing that exists, rather than a ’something’ that may or may not qualify as reality?

Seriously, I feel very excited. I want to pursue a dream. So what if I don’t know what it is just now – I will work it out. I’m here, for the first time in as long as I can remember, being able to look forward in time and wonder what it is that I might want to do without feeling anxious about the future or worried about what might or might not happen in it. In this moment, I feel happy because I believe the future is what I will make of it. And I can’t wait to work out what I want to make :D

And although I’m tempted to think It’s got nothing to do with LighterLife or Route to Management, IT DOES. I’m only here and now, trying to figure out what my dream is and what pursuing it would mean for me, because I made the decision to pursue this LighterLife journey, to take a long hard look at the way I think and live my life. It was I who made the choice of changing the direction of where I was headed. I did it. So I can do it again. And again.

Now that’s all out of my head I’m continuing from page 17!!