Route to Management – Week 10

(LighterLife Route to Management – Week10 Day6)

Foodwise, I didn’t like this week!!!!!!! I found it really hard to incorporate cheese into my life.

Eating out.

I found making ‘cheese choices’ easiest when I was eating out. It was easy to order pasta with parmesan cheese, or go with a cheese sauce on the chicken, or to order saag paneer (spinach with cheese), etc. etc. I didn’t have any cheese dessert because none of the places I went this week offerend a cheese plate, I wouldn’t have been able to eat the crackers because they belong to week 11, and cheesecake belongs to week 12 with the rest of the sweets!! But eating out, cheese seems not to be a problem. Apart from the fact that I did have stomach ache after the saag paneer but that was possibly because of the amount of OIL in the dish, not the cheese.

Eating in.

First outside the cheese department: I only had one binge and that was not cheese it was Weetabix. I had some bite-sized fruity ones (with RAISINS!!!!!) in the cupboard, only during porridge/muesli week didn’t realise it! Well no more of those.

CHEESEWISE: Apart from a feta salad – even though realised I didn’t really like the feta when I was actually eating it, but eating it all anyway! – I couldn’t work out how to ‘put some cheese’ into anything I prepared for work. I did buy a couple of packets of those ‘lunchbox cheeses’, i.e. 20-25 gram portions of several different cheeses, and thought I’d use them as part of my snacks, but they didn’t satisfy me – I didn’t feel any less hungry… In fact they were a letdown, I felt like I hadn’t eaten anything! Also after two snacking attempts I then just ate all the rest on one sitting. I didn’t even LIKE most of them, and it wasn’t actually THAT MUCH CHEESE even put together, and I was actually sitting down, consciously eating the cheese off a plate with knife and fork rather slowly and consciously. Which was ODD compared to what I think of binging, because the URGENCY WASN’T THERE. But I did eat them all. At the end I just felt FULL and a bit ICKY. But then I just proceeded to eat a lot less than I had originally planned during the rest of the day, and felt I was done with cheese. Of course the same happened then with the tub of shaved parmesan cheese which I proceeded to polish off with a salad. And it was nice!! but I couldn’t NOT have all of it – so a good thing it was an 80gram tub and not more! Also it was the only protein in the salad so again, calorie etc. wise it was fine. And I proceeded with the rest of the day as planned!

The learning from that was to definitely NOT to buy cheese, especially not mature cheddar, or parmesan, and foolishly think I will only have some of it… For now, at least.

Planning.

I kept forgetting to plan cheese into my days. I think I’m quite happy about the way I’m eating at the moment, and although I fully intend to work through these trigger weeks, it’s like I said earlier: I’m not that bothered about having ‘other things’ in my diet at the moment. Although now I’m beginning to think I probably should, in the spirit of learning to live with them!!!! But I’m starting to know whether it makes sense to have fish or chicken or both during a particular day, depending what I expect there to be going on during that day, i.e. if it’s going to be a really stressful and long work day, I will plan for lighter meals but with loads more snacks. And if it’s going to be an ‘easy’ day, I may plan for a very substantial lunch with less snacks and more time between eating. I can’t quite believe I just wrote that as if it was the most natural thing!!!

Grasping yet falling.

I’m also beginning to get a grasp of how much I need to and can eat during a regular day in order to not overdo it. Or underdo it, i.e. become too hungry. And I’m beginning to apply the knowledge. Just not all the time yet. It’s like the metaphor about falling down the same hole in the street, realising I’m doing it again, learning from it, but still occasionally going and falling right back in again… Or maybe I just feel a bit resentful of the trigger weeks because there does seem to be foods that trigger my binging. And I don’t like it!! I’m trying to be an adult about it, but still I don’t like it. It’s UNCOMFORTABLE. And of course that’s the whole point of it!!!!

Feeling.

I need to feel more and I need to sleep more. In whichever order, but I NEED BOTH. I’ve been really busy this week, workwise, and therefore really tired, but also stressed which always means tossing & turning. I haven’t done a Thought Record for ages (well feels like ages, and you can tell by the way my thoughts aren’t very organised in this post!!!!!!!) and there’s all sorts going on related to future work and the flat (back on sale!) and stuff that I should be dealing with, and I’m not doing that very efficiently or effectively. I believe that’s partly why the dealing with the triggers has been so frantic and has led to some overeating and some binging. I’m trying hard to not punish myself for it. I’m trying hard to get my head ready for a Thought Record. I’m ALMOST there.

Summing it up.

Well it hasn’t been as chaotic as week 8 seems now – THANK GOD – and I haven’t been as reflective as during week9. It’s been ok. Even though I ate all the cheese, I didn’t have any crazy binges with it (just the Weetabix which I should have seen coming). So I’ve survived cheese!!!!! But you know what. I ALSO drank less alcohol this week!!! The evidence piles up…

At the moment I can’t WAIT to get these trigger weeks over with!!!!!!! I know I said I was looking forward to them, but the fact that I’m finding I do have food triggers as well as emotional triggers, is really quite hard to deal with!!

The thought that keeps me sane and helps get through the bad bits is When Route to Management is over, I will choose which triggers to have in my life. Yes IT’S A VERY SCARY THOUGHT, but at the same time I find it very comforting. I feel that I will be getting the choice back. Of course I am currently choosing to follow Route to Management, so it’s a bit strange the way I’m thinking about it. But right now I’m really looking forward to the time when all my choices will be my own.