(LighterLife Route to Management – Week11 Day6)
It’s bread week and I haven’t mentioned bread. Curious, that. I’ve felt quite indifferent about bread.
Shopping for bread
I’ve spent a lot of time in various shops, staring at bread. Just staring. Really thinking about the options, trying to imagine the tastes, the textures, how I will feel about eating it. Then I’ve glanced at the next bread, and the same again. And I still haven’t quite worked out what I want. It’s felt strange – choosing food because I need to eat it rather than want to. So I ended up going from some wholewheat rolls to german style rye bread to crispbread to tortillas (in wraps for lunch) and to burger buns. I’d say that’s quite a decent variety. I got much further with bread variety than I did with CHEESE during Week 10!!
Physical reactions
At the start of Week 11 I felt extremely bloated and uncomfortable after eating some bread combined with my first few bottles of beer that I thought my stomach was about to stretch way beyond the loose skin that hangs about it. This seemed to really be a combination of bread and beer. I’m able to conclude this because I haven’t had any beer since and I’ve felt much more ‘normal’ even with some rather bloaty moments after too much rye bread in one go… Yes, the couple of wraps I’ve had have both given me a stomach ache. Now that could have been because of there was more oil/fat in the wraps than I’ve had in one go for about 5 months!! OR it could be the dressing which I’m not using otherwise, or it could have been the wheat in the wraps themselves. Somehow I tend to lean on the explanation around the high fat/oil content.
However, compared with the cheese week, which left me feeling lethargic and not much anything else, the bread has left me feeling a bit bloaty and a bit fatty, BUT at the same time a lot more satisfied!!!!! In any case, very different to what I expected. Hmm. So I binged one night on very high fibre rye bread, but in all honesty that was not the result of eating high fibre rye bread – it was a result of going too long between meals and having one too many glasses of wine. See, I’m getting annoyingly good at seeing the connection with things OTHER THAN FOOD!!!!!!!!!
Head stuff
Very heavy thinking going on this week, trying to make a job choice between money and stability. Money is – for the moment – winning. But I can’t be sure if it’s right. I’m swaying from one to another literally from one day to another, depending on which company I’m talking to, and it’s E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G. AND YET, I’m still in the mean-to-do-proper-Thought-Records mindstate which procrastination isn’t helping at all!!! I’m so due a HUGE Thought Record. SOON. But at the same time I’m recognising this is causing some of the eating/drinking behaviour, which is – again – a step forward. And I’m recognising that I REALLY NEED TO DO A THOUGHT RECORD. And I’m seeing myself doing anything and everything else in order to avoid it. And I’m beginning to be really intrigued about what it is that I’m trying to avoid thinking/realising….
Summing it up
What can I say about this week? It has been extraordinarily nerve-wrecking, just knowing that I’m approaching Week 12 and beyond. And just knowing I’m avoiding facing my feelings and thoughts is making me nervous, because one week ago I never thought I would last this long without a Thought Record!!!!!!!!
About bread: I think I’m fine having bread at lunch or even breakfast. In fact, I was quite happy with the extra FIBRE in my diet this week, especially since I didn’t really have ANY ‘mere’ white bread, unless you count one of the wraps which I think was pure wheat. It really made a difference to how my body was feeling and functioning. And I was feeling HEALTHIER than for a good while. But having bread for dinner didn’t really do much good – it was comforting, yes, but didn’t add to the experience, if you will. I’m still in favour of protein heavy dinners, they make me feel less heavy when I go to bed, and more energetic when I wake up.
Reading back on this it all sounds so, well, healthy. And rational. I don’t feel rational!!!!!!!!!! I still feel scared and uncertain and limited in terms of what I’m eating. And just NERVOUS. Also I have skipped an LL meeting which contributes to my lack of balance. It is such a big thing, the meetings. I just need to find my way through this job decision, which needs to happen within about a week anyway. Then I’ll be in a very different head space. Some days it’s ok, but other days I HATE that work is the most influential thing in my life!!!!!!
I’m more nervous about this job decision than I am about week 12 and chocolate…. SAD, isn’t it.
Filed under: Route to Management, RtM - Week11 | Tagged: Food, Future thoughts, Observations, Random thoughts
