Managing after Route to Management

(LighterLife Management – Month 1 Week1)

Stretching the concept of time. Feeling less compulsed to write every day. Feeling no less compulsed to plan my days and be conscious of what I’m eating, how I’m feeling, and where is it all leading to…

I do feel like I did earn a break from constantly analysing my thoughts, and hence you haven’t heard from me for almost a week! It’s got more to do with needing a break from writing about them every day or so, and less about needing to AVOID them. I’m not avoiding my feelings or thoughts. I’m just enjoying letting them flow without pausing to dissect each and every one of them :)

I’ve had a good week, this first week ‘without a program’, as I think of it at the moment. I travelled, saw friends, went out to eat and drink a lot, spent time in other people’s houses without having made requests on foodstuff needing to be available specifically. Fancied mostly porridge for breakfast and worked out that most people actually do have porridge in their cupboards so breakfasts were successful! Popped into corner shops for snacks, buying apples, carrots and tomatoes. Stood in front of the chocolate shelves more than once but walked out every time without having bought any. Hard to say what it was, maybe just the fact that I allowed myself to consider it satisfied whatever need it was for.

I ate aeroplane food, but I did pre-order the low calorie option, and were prepared to eat nothing if it didn’t appeal to me. Well it did appeal and I ate it, but on the way out I only had half the sandwiches, and on the way back I didn’t touch the bread roll. Both ways I left the chocolate/biscuits alone, and it wasn’t even hard.

I don’t feel like I’m depriving myself of anything. Last Sunday I had cake. I also had a burger. And quite a bit of wine. But the next day I didn’t feel too full, or bloated, or guilty, or even much hungover. I felt fine. I was getting on with the day and everything that came with it. Moving on.

It’s not to say I haven’t been WORRIED ABOUT EATING. I have. The end of Route to Management woke in me the fear of repeating last summer’s end of Abstinence madness of eating whatever and ignoring everything I had learned…. But that hasn’t happened. I haven’t even been TEMPTED to ‘let go’ and fall back into my old ways. Well, when I say ‘not tempted’ I mean not REALLY tempted. Like I described above, I have in deed stood in front of the chocolate section or the ice-cream freezer, possibly out of defiance to anyone who might even SUGGEST that I shouldn’t !!!! Whether it’s a blessing or not, within my immediate circle of trust no-one has yet suggested I should ‘watch what I eat’ now that I’m back to normal weight again.

I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful that I am able to keep believing in myself, slowly beginning to trust that maybe I can really do this, maybe I CAN balance my life and eating and feeling, i.e. actually have a life. Of course I still have days when I ‘feel fat’. I suspect it’s going to take a LOOOOONG time to get over that particular ‘feeling’. But there are more days when I feel great – it’s still very twisted: feeling relieved for not feeling particularly bloaty, feeling honestly surprised for fitting into the same pair of jeans that fit me 2 months ago!!!, and feeling thrilled thinking maybe I don’t have to buy new clothes for the parties I’ve promised to attend in a month or two.

It’s all still very screwed up in my head, mostly. But I’m beginning to believe it’s possible to get used to it. I also got a confirmation from the Geneen Roth workshop I’ll be attending at the end of October, and although I’m scared shitless if I really think about going all the way to California to unravel more shit from my head in front of a bunch of total strangers, I’m also very committed and excited. It’s never going to get THAT easy is it!?!?!?!?!?!!!