(LighterLife – Management Month 5)
Do you have to tell? I was introduced to a lovely guy some 6 months ago when I was just entering Week 5 of Route to Management, so he’s only seen me at my ‘normal’: back to drinking and eating real food, and pretty much within one size!
I didn’t realise this but my friend who introduced us never told him I used to be fat. Come to think of it now, WHY WOULD HE HAVE???? BUT. Therein lies my dilemma. Do you tell you used to weigh 4 stone more? And if you do, when is the right time? And IS IT NECESSARY AT ALL?
Well. With this guy I was caught out unintentionally because we were talking about meeting up later this month and I (obviously, since I don’t think much before I say stuff) said I’m gonna be away almost week and a half, and he of course asked where. I tried a vague ‘Northern California’ but we all know ‘california’ is such an attractive destination that you can’t really NOT discuss details… I felt very flustered and didn’t know what to say, but on the other hand I wanted to explain what I was going to do. So I told him. And in order to tell him I had to (=I felt like I had to) explain about the weight thing and all that. So I did.
I felt like I was on such shaky ground. I haven’t done this before with people that never saw me bigger than what I’m now… there aren’t that many people who haven’t, especially considering last year’s yo-yo’ing and everything that came before that!!!! I felt so vulnerable, scared, fragile. I don’t know what I was expecting – probably for him to get up and go ‘aha! I knew you were a freak with no self-esteem’ and walk away??
Probably.
And you know what he said? He said it’s interesting because ‘obviously’ he never thought of me as anything other than the ’small girl’ that I am now (bless him, I almost cried at that), but that it definitely gave him a more rounded picture on who I am as a person. He didn’t seem disturbed in any way, which was a relief to me but at the same time it was WEIRD. In fact it led to him talking about his relationship with weight (rather the opposite, i.e. always having been quite a stick insect) and how that’s changed now that his job is desk-bound rather than mobile.
It turned out a very adult conversation. I was so amazed. But as we were deep in conversation I didn’t really have time to dwell on the fact that he took it all in his stride. Which was good for the situation and for me. I’m still trying to get over it. It felt so terrifying, having to expose myself in such a way. It almost made me feel angry. Angry thinking ‘is this my life from now on, having to explain that I used to be thin, then I became a binge eater, and then I lost the weight and learned to live differently and here we are now, trying to cope’…
SUCKS.
Another related thing I’ve been thinking about recently is how the hell people like Geneen Roth cope with exposing all of their vulnerabilities, insecurities and all the pain and shit they’ve been through, their naivety, stupidity and all, to all of the world, and still are able to gain the world’s respect, with no-one actually questioning their sanity or authority???? HOW DOES ONE GET THERE?
Leaves just one real question: Where is my self-esteem?
Filed under: LL Management, Mgmt Month 5 | Tagged: Life, Random thoughts, Weight
