Emotional clarity my ass!!

(LighterLife Management – ongoing)

DID I SAY “EMOTIONAL CLARITY”?!?!?! DID I?!?!?!

I did.

Well. How about this then: After a very stressful and emotionally vexing week which has included pretending (to an ex-boss, not the world at large) that I still have a boyfriend, realising I still want him and that we owe it to ourselves to work out if things CAN work, panic about having messed things up too badly for him to even want to try now, waking up in the mornings thinking about ways to make things work, and finally on Friday night falling off my bike getting my face scraped and spending 3 hours in the emergency room with my struggling-to-use-the-word-ex-boyfriend, the situation is NOT CLEAR.

Some things are clear, though. I never not wanted him. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking about this and wondering HOW COME I weren’t able to see all this last week, before jumping the gun?? And the answer is, I just couldn’t. I am a rather black-or-white person (no shit, sherlock!). I needed that relationship to end. I absolutely wasn’t able to predict he would talk to me as openly and honestly as he now has. I didn’t see that coming. If I had seen that coming we might’ve had a very different conversation a week ago. And it wouldn’t have been enough anyway. That’s the thing that gets to me now.

I needed drama. I needed something MAJOR to happen, to shake things up to really test whether there’s anything there. AND. Here’s the revelation: Once again, I took the easy route out and READILY PREPARED FOR THE WORST. I distinctly remember accusing others for taking the easy way out about so many things. And I’m still doing it myself. I’m still doing it. It was ME who wasn’t prepared (emotionally) to fight for the relationship. Not him. I don’t even yet KNOW what all he might be prepared (OR NOT) to do. I didn’t give him a chance. I didn’t give us a chance. It was I who put me myself and I in this situation where I’m now anxiously waiting to talk to him next week to see if there’s a hope in hell.

I could kick myself for thinking straight-out quitting is the way.

So currently I’m writing like mad, and it’s not even Thought Records now it’s just THOUGHTS and I’m sitting with my feelings and I’m most definitely feeling them and I guess I would go as far as to say I haven’t felt this alive for a long time. It’s not purely a nice feeling, though!!!!!!! But being alive and facing what I’m feeling is so much better than any alternative.

No matter what happens next.