(LighterLife Management – ongoing)
And here it is, the day I referred to in my last post: the day when I’m not feeling so awesome.
I am in fact just 2 days away from ending my last LighterLife Abstinence. I am not down to the exact weight I was wanting to hit, but I am pretty much now arriving at the size I wanted to be. I just tried on my might-never-fit-into-these-but-lets-see pile of clothes, the last frontier if you like, the last pile I’ve kept IN CASE. In case one day I will fit into them again. And today I do. And that’s why I’m freaking out.
Here’s how it’s always worked before: Every time I’ve been this size, I’ve no longer been this size.
Was that too fast for you? Yes, well, that’s exactly the point: I have NEVER managed to STAY this size before. I swear to you some of the clothes I was trying on have never been worn. I have bought them one day, and then the day I was going to wear them I didn’t fit into them anymore. Because I had immediately proceeded to eat my way out of that size. The story of my recent life.
So I’m at a point in time that holds a lot of weight (the irony!!) for me. It has NEVER meant that good things will start to happen. And I’m finding it very hard to stick with my NEW meaning for this size which is: this is my size. Because it’s new. And new things are, well, new!! They aren’t settled in yet. They aren’t familiar. They aren’t subconscious. They aren’t reliable straight away. They need watching. They need cherishing. They need protecting!!!!!!
On one level I am very pleased and looking forward to the next days, weeks and months that will see me no longer in Abstinence but living MY REAL LIFE in a way I want to live it, in the size I have chosen. It’s just that I am also exhausted and scared, and very much waiting to get out of this place. Not size-wise, but transition-wise. I need to get to the other side, not just here where the line is drawn.
Filed under: LL Management, Mgmt Year 5
