I said this is the end of managing my life with food. So simple.

And this finally helped him understand all the ways in which this is not about food, and never was. It also helped me feel like I had managed to sum up all the gazillion little things that were going on for me around this before and during Abstinence. All that complexity that goes into the word ‘simple’…

I feel happy now with the thought “I used to manage my life with food“. It’s the truth, and as truth is pain & beauty in equal parts, this summer has quite fittingly been a celebration and a mourning in equal parts. A celebration for moving forward with a very different outlook on eating and nutrition and nourishment and my body and my wellbeing and everything!! And a mourning because it really is very very sad that for a long time I have managed my life with food. It feels appropriate to acknowledge that because it’s a very significant fact about me.

I am also properly moving on to a different type of life. I have finished my coaching training, set up a company and headed for a new career in helping people take full responsibility for their lives in order to be all they can be. It’s the most rewarding work I’ve ever done in my life :)

And here it is, the day I referred to in my last post: the day when I’m not feeling so awesome.

I am in fact just 2 days away from ending my last LighterLife Abstinence. I am not down to the exact weight I was wanting to hit, but I am pretty much now arriving at the size I wanted to be. I just tried on my might-never-fit-into-these-but-lets-see pile of clothes, the last frontier if you like, the last pile I’ve kept IN CASE. In case one day I will fit into them again. And today I do. And that’s why I’m freaking out.

Here’s how it’s always worked before: Every time I’ve been this size, I’ve no longer been this size.

Was that too fast for you? Yes, well, that’s exactly the point: I have NEVER managed to STAY this size before. I swear to you some of the clothes I was trying on have never been worn. I have bought them one day, and then the day I was going to wear them I didn’t fit into them anymore. Because I had immediately proceeded to eat my way out of that size. The story of my recent life.

So I’m at a point in time that holds a lot of weight (the irony!!) for me. It has NEVER meant that good things will start to happen. And I’m finding it very hard to stick with my NEW meaning for this size which is: this is my size. Because it’s new. And new things are, well, new!! They aren’t settled in yet. They aren’t familiar. They aren’t subconscious. They aren’t reliable straight away. They need watching. They need cherishing. They need protecting!!!!!!

On one level I am very pleased and looking forward to the next days, weeks and months that will see me no longer in Abstinence but living MY REAL LIFE in a way I want to live it, in the size I have chosen. It’s just that I am also exhausted and scared, and very much waiting to get out of this place. Not size-wise, but transition-wise. I need to get to the other side, not just here where the line is drawn.

Yesterday was an awesome day, and I wish there was a way to remember it next time I’m not feeling as awesome.

First and foremost, I had had enough sleep. I woke up refreshed and curious about the day ahead. Even though it was going to be an office day :) Even though it was going to rain all day!! I always sleep better on Abstinence anyway because I won’t have been drinking any alcohol the night before, but I’ve been sleeping a lot and well lately. Anyway, I simply woke up and felt READY. That’s the magic of enough sleep. I know it works exactly like this, but it’s amazing to experience it every now & again!

Secondly, I felt comfortable and confident in the clothes I was wearing. Seriously!! I had gone through my wardrobe the day before, including the boxes of ‘one day’ and ‘just in case’ clothes tucked away in various corners, and re-discovered some old favourites that now fit!!!!! So effectively I was wearing clothes I last wore (anywhere near as comfortably) in the summer of 2009, and not only feeling pleased about fitting into them but even more importantly, nothing was restricting my movements, nothing was too exposed, my loose bits were tucked somewhere or supported, and I just felt GOOD.

When you lose a lot of weight, your shape shifts at a very different pace than your weight comes off. I feel that the near-if-not-final shape shift has just happened to me, largely aided by the two hot yoga classes I went to earlier this week (those were also the only hot yoga classes I’ve been to in nearly 4 months…), and I am now actually AWARE of my body shape as it is at the moment. I’m also very aware that my upper thighs have stopped chafing painfully, which only those of you who have actually experience it will be able to truly appreciate!!

Additionally to just feeling well-rested and comfortable, I got a couple of thoroughly lovely comments about the shift in my size & shape, which helped in turn for me to stay aware of how good I was feeling, and appreciate how it must be projecting off me when I went about the day. One came from a guy who simply said “You’re looking WELL” and another was from a girl who told me I was looking fantastic. And then she didn’t say anything else, which was the best part of her comment :D None of that crap of ‘shouldn’t you stop that now’ or ‘haven’t you lost enough’.

I know some of this is external but my feelings weren’t based on the external comments, just amplified by them. The best way I can sum it up is that yesterday I felt more myself than since I can remember.

And that’s what I’d like to remember :)

Only a month ago I SWORE to everyone that would lend an ear that I was done with dieting. DONE!! I would NEVER EVER EVER go on a diet again in my entire life.

A week later I was back seeing my LighterLife councellor, being weighed at over 91kg, buying packs and setting out on Abstinence. And now, a good 3 weeks later I’m down 8 kg and quickly on my way to say goodbuy to the 80s, so to speak.

What was all that about? Well, a combination of a few things that occurred to me whilst I was shouting out my resolution to never diet again:

I realised the real pattern of my yo-yo dieting

For quite a while now, thanks to all the work I’ve done with LighterLife, I’ve known that I used to use food to numb down any emotions, positive and negative. But that doesn’t seem to have been all there was to it… Between a couple of life coaching sessions I suddenly saw a very clear pattern in my past behaviour.

When I was on top of the weight yo-yo I used to think “I’ll sort my life out as soon as I’ve lost all this weight”, happy in the knowledge that I had a plan: All was fine, there was a plan!! Then I lost the weight (whichever way – WeightWatchers, LighterLife, etc) and so arrived at this place where I had said I would ‘sort it all out’. And promptly proceeded to freak out over the thought of needing to actually look at my life and ‘sort’ it. And so I very quickly ate my way back to fat-dom. Back to that place where I couldn’t possibly sort anything out because there was all the weight to sort out first. And THAT has been at the bottom (ha ha) of my yo-yo cycle all these past 12 years.

 I realised I don’t use weight in that way anymore!

It hit me like a ton of bricks: I’ve just spent over 5 months working with a life coach SORTING MY LIFE OUT WHILST HOLDING ON TO MY WEIGHT. Whilst being nearly the heaviest I’ve EVER been!!

For the first time ever, I have not waited to lose the weight first. I have just gotten on sorting ‘it’ all out. SUCCESSFULLY!!!!! And more important than that, without consciously realising that in the past I would have never EVER even considered doing so whilst so fat.

But I have now done it. The evidence is overwhelming. The life coaching I’ve received has shifted so many of the issues I have been unable to shift for myself (I will write a post about all that!), I cannot dispute it no matter what.

Needless to say, when I realised this I was flabbergasted and excited in equal amounts :D

I realised I don’t need the extra weight anymore

After realising that I’ve done so much of the ‘sorting out’ work WITH all the weight on, there was an instant switch in my head. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to leave the weight behind. I don’t need it any more! I can live my life, warts and all, sorting out whatever needs to be sorted, whatever the size I am. I don’t need the weight as an excuse anymore.

In fact, I DON’T NEED THE WEIGHT AT ALL ANYMORE.

I realised there’s nothing wrong in changing my mind

This is a biggie for me, something I’ve worked on during the life coaching sessions at several different points. I used to have this tendency of holding on to my own decisions: believing firmly that I can’t possibly change my mind once I’ve told people I was going to do or not do something. I agree, it sounds completely ridiculous, but hey ho, that’s how I’ve lived a lot of my life, and it has brought me grief and problems to no end. Going against my gut and my wants.

No more of that. I now know it is my life, no-one else’s, and therefore the consequences of my decisions all fall on me alone. No-one else really cares whether I change my mind on things because that’s what people do, and if it sometimes seems a bit odd to someone else then what do I care!?! It’s MY LIFE.

So there you have it: I’m back on Abstinence

Essentially, now that I don’t need the weight, I can’t BEAR the thought of hanging on to it. Because there’s no reason anymore: I just don’t need it!! I did consider trying to shake the weight by healthy food diet, but shaking 25kg by eating food is a mean feat for anyone and takes a long time and a lot of patience which I just don’t have. LighterLife Abstinence has always worked for me and it is the quickest safest way to leave the weight behind. And I’m so excited because I KNOW that I don’t need the weight anymore in the way I have needed and used it.

This time it isn’t about needing to become thin. It’s about leaving the weight behind me for good. Semantics, you may shrug, but for me there’s a world of difference :D

So.

What on earth happened after September 2010? Well, needless to say I didn’t lose 15 kg. I didn’t lose any kg. I didn’t sign up for coach training and I continued to feel that my life was in need of urgent FIXING.

Until.

Until I found a coach for myself. Since late November I’ve been working with a wonderful life coach who is helping to transform the way I think and behave towards myself and the world.

In terms of food and eating and all that, this doesn’t mean I’ve given up on LighterLife. What’s happening is I’m finding ways to sort through the issues which still occasionally lead me to binge eat, and which keep me from managing my weight at a level that I’m comfortable with.

Where & how life coaching is pushing me towards would not be possible without the work that I’ve done on myself with LighterLife, with NLP and with the Geneen Roth workshop that I attended to a couple of years ago. None of those have been for nothing. I would not be here taking the next steps without all that work. In short, I’m now pouncing forward from the great foundation that LighterLife has given me: the beginnings of self-awareness, knowing the importance of taking care of myself first, tools to help me understand what’s going on.

I’m still looking to train as a coach as well, but the decision to begin with getting some coaching for myself was the best I have yet made. The most loving thing I have ever done for myself.

What’s happening with this blog.

I may come back to this blog from time to time, because it’s important to me to keep acknowledging where I am with eating, no matter what other progress I’m making. Also that’s what I wanted to do when I started – keep records of how things are going at least for 5 years from starting LighterLife. This is a safe place for me to talk honestly about my relationship with food, without being judged.

But things must change. Change is good! :D

So this ‘new direction’ that I mentioned in the last post, is that I want to become a coach. Not a football coach, a life coach and an executive coach. A business coach. All those things. For the first time in my adult life I feel I have a real alternative to my current career. It feels amazing.

Of course, it requires a lot of planning to get there. Firstly, I need training. Instant obstacle: I have no savings and I certainly cannot quit my job. So this step 1 is what I’ve been trying to tackle for the past couple of months. I have even managed to work out how much money I can put aside every month. Give or take the occasional slip up of not quite managing through the whole month – struggling right now to complete September without dipping into the savings I put aside only 3 weeks ago…

But here we go. It’s a start. If all goes well, I can start training on the side of my full-time job in January 2011.

In the meantime, I’ve announced that I am going to lose 15kg of weight by xmas. During week 1, I managed 200g, and it’s not looking terribly rosy this week, either. I’m struggling to PLAN. I know how to do it, I’m just struggling to do it. And once I do it, I’m struggling to remember I had a plan to begin with. So it’s not going smoothly yet ;)

I have returned to my LighterLife group, and once again wondered how come I don’t go more often. I bought quite a lot of foodpacks as well, though due to the lack of planning have been using them in more or less random manner. Time will tell. Once again, I have to trust time.

When people ask me “what do you think” about things they love or adore but I find odd or repulsive – I will say something like “It’s really great, although I wouldn’t want it”. I mean, I can’t just say “Great!” and be supportive to someone else’s choice. I have to actually undermine it with a selfish statement. How rubbish is that?!?

Let me explain myself. This past week I realised I have such difficulty defining ‘who I am‘ and what I prefer, that whenever I am asked to commit an opinion about anything at all, I panic and think if I say I like it they’ll think that’s what I’m like. I guess the logic that my subconsciousness is applying here is that if I say I think a flowery sofa is Great! then next Christmas or whatever someone will buy me one. DUH.

This is – needless to say – creating further difficulties for me by annoying the hell out of people I say these things to, and making me focus even more on things I don’t identify with. *SIGH*

But wait. I have found a new direction to my shambles of a life. I shall tell you about it soon :D

Being back in an office environment I once again have a chance to observe other people’s eating habits which is continuously fascinating!  In our office of 30+ people we have some low-carbers, at least one on-off dieter, one Pepsi Max addict, one convictional vegetarian and a whole load of mash-ups covering the rest of the spectrum.

The on-off diet girl is amusing. She’s in her thirties and doesn’t really have a weight problem, just wants to shake a few kilos and get leaner. In the 3 months I’ve been in my new job she’s been through at least 2 different types of detox diets, quit smoking at least 3 times, and tried to low-carb for the rest of the time. Yet she’s the first one jumping up and suggesting that we all ‘go get chocolate ice-cream’ or that she’s going to ‘ignore the diet today’ and get a burrito. I’ve never really known anyone like that this close up. It’s fascinating. And like I said, she’s not overweight, so it’s a very curious existence to be observing!

The low-carbers I find a friendly and inter-supportive bunch who do talk about their food choices but don’t make a fuss and don’t point their finger if one of them comes in at lunch time with a huge sandwich :) There’s not much going on in terms of details, which is just fine. It’s an each-to-their-own kind of vibe, which I appreciate very much.

The on-off diet girl has asked me about the LighterLife soups and bars, but doesn’t seem to be that interested really. Which is good because the last thing I need is someone making a big song & dance about MY diet!! I did say to her that it doesn’t work for me to announce it to the world that I’m on a diet. She looked at me like I was a bit crazy. So much for sistery empathy, huh ;)

Well, I prefer to do my own thing. Whether it’s healthy or not, I should add!

Don’t you sometimes wish you could just make other people understand what it’s like? What it’s like to know, to feel, to experience something, whatever it is.

As the odd example; I have a friend who has never had good sex, from which follows that she’s got no clue what it is so does not know what it could be like, and certainly doesn’t know to demand it because she deserves it! Weird metaphor but works, I think. Meaning it’s the same thing: it doesn’t matter how many stories she hears or films she watches or whatever by other people, she’s not going to get it, until it happens for her.

And therein lies the dilemma. How do you help and guide someone else towards something they have no concept of? How do you explain how, once you’re actually there, it feels like the most natural thing in the world, and you cannot imagine a different life. And I don’t just mean sex!!

Basically, you need to let go of other people’s issues. Stop solving other people’s problems. Because you know what? That’s how you lose yourself. That’s what keeps happening to me. A while ago I handed over a huge project to someone who was just back from maternity. I would constantly catch myself thinking I’ll just do this one myself to save her the trouble and I’ll make sure to call so-and-so to make sure this is happening. Where I should really just have told her what needs doing and let her get on with it, problems or no problems. ANYWAY: as a result of this I found myself ignoring my own needs, and once again taking care of someone else first.

However, now that I’m increasingly catching myself doing it, I have the choice of NOT doing it. Not that it’s as simple as that, but at least there’s a choice. And I am increasingly often making it to my favour. AND. I’m finding that by doing so, I feel better. Every time!! I mean, hello!

Have you noticed how most of the self-help books (and is it because most are written by women?) focus on helping us realise where we are going wrong and how and why… and very rarely actually tell us about how, if and when we get to the ‘other side’ and start behaving in a more loving and healthy way towards ourselves, we will actually feel a tremendous amount better about EVERYTHING!!

What happened after all the initial drama & trauma? Well, slowly but surely all my physical wounds and scratches have healed almost completely, and I’m happily cycling again. On relationship front, my boyfriend & I spent a million hours talking about stuff, the past, the misinterpretations, the reservations, all of it. In a nutshell, we got back together, and slowly, painfully, by talking, arguing and loving have come over to the other side and now both really want to make this work.

And I ate & drank so much that I need to lose 2 stone. AGAIN.

So now I’m listening to my body AND the universe which is clearly trying to tell me the time has come to put my house in order… Last week the hob & oven stopped working. Last weekend my fridge-freezer gave up. Only the light worked which is why I didn’t notice at first, and I lost loads of food as I had just stocked the freezer… and it was Sunday and no way to arrange anyone to come fix it (my flat is ‘managed’ and that’s a whole different story!!).

So it’s the perfect timing. I say that with irony but without bitterness.

I went to get foodpacks on Tuesday night and meant to start Abstinence yesterday. The day was good but when I got home I decided I wanted a drink, and hey ho, had some bread & cheese as well. This morning I started again. The day was good but when I got home I had an extra bar, then one glass of wine (that’s all I had). So it’s not exactly Abstinence-binge, but a very slow start anyway.

But this yo-yo needs to go down. So I’m determined to find my way into Abstinence OR into LighterLife Lite. I’m kind of going between the urge to lose weight really fast, and the urge to keep real food in.

I’m going to start by going to bed early today and getting some much needed sleep. What with the heat wave and all, I’ve slept extremely poorly and I just feel knackered ALL THE TIME. It’s not fun. So good night.

DID I SAY “EMOTIONAL CLARITY”?!?!?! DID I?!?!?!

I did.

Well. How about this then: After a very stressful and emotionally vexing week which has included pretending (to an ex-boss, not the world at large) that I still have a boyfriend, realising I still want him and that we owe it to ourselves to work out if things CAN work, panic about having messed things up too badly for him to even want to try now, waking up in the mornings thinking about ways to make things work, and finally on Friday night falling off my bike getting my face scraped and spending 3 hours in the emergency room with my struggling-to-use-the-word-ex-boyfriend, the situation is NOT CLEAR.

Some things are clear, though. I never not wanted him. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking about this and wondering HOW COME I weren’t able to see all this last week, before jumping the gun?? And the answer is, I just couldn’t. I am a rather black-or-white person (no shit, sherlock!). I needed that relationship to end. I absolutely wasn’t able to predict he would talk to me as openly and honestly as he now has. I didn’t see that coming. If I had seen that coming we might’ve had a very different conversation a week ago. And it wouldn’t have been enough anyway. That’s the thing that gets to me now.

I needed drama. I needed something MAJOR to happen, to shake things up to really test whether there’s anything there. AND. Here’s the revelation: Once again, I took the easy route out and READILY PREPARED FOR THE WORST. I distinctly remember accusing others for taking the easy way out about so many things. And I’m still doing it myself. I’m still doing it. It was ME who wasn’t prepared (emotionally) to fight for the relationship. Not him. I don’t even yet KNOW what all he might be prepared (OR NOT) to do. I didn’t give him a chance. I didn’t give us a chance. It was I who put me myself and I in this situation where I’m now anxiously waiting to talk to him next week to see if there’s a hope in hell.

I could kick myself for thinking straight-out quitting is the way.

So currently I’m writing like mad, and it’s not even Thought Records now it’s just THOUGHTS and I’m sitting with my feelings and I’m most definitely feeling them and I guess I would go as far as to say I haven’t felt this alive for a long time. It’s not purely a nice feeling, though!!!!!!! But being alive and facing what I’m feeling is so much better than any alternative.

No matter what happens next.

Amazing how you never truly see things coming.

The meltdown

Once the new job was safely agreed, there really was a meltdown, a physical one, with my hayfever escalating to a nasty cold with a chesty cough. I spent the first two weeks in the new job feeling AND looking utterly worn down, worn out, with a cold sore that lasted over a week, icky hair, bad skin and a desire to nap every two hours. Absolutely disgraceful!! I could hardly get out of bed each morning, and really wasn’t feeling very excited or proud of myself. I was still eating loads in the evenings, and drinking. Wasn’t helping. The only healthy thing I kept doing consistently was cycling to work.

Then this week, week 3 in the new job, I finally emerged on the ‘other side’ and have been feeling much more like myself again. My energy levels are better, I don’t feel such a wreck anymore and I actually made it to the gym mid-week (going again today as soon as I finish this post).

So things are definitely on the up! The new job feels right, the people feel ‘my kind’ and on the whole I’m starting to get used to the idea of actually having a job again :D I’m also making lunch every day and taking snacks and being a bit more sensible in the evenings as well.

The rest

What unfolded as part of the physical meltdown was emotional clarity. Unexpected, but definitely months in the making.

And so last night I broke up with my boyfriend of 11 intense months. It was so hard and so sad. It was also so necessary. I was in a relationship which wasn’t a relationship I wanted. Due to his life circumstances he had no time for me which meant we weren’t actually sharing our lives, we were just occasionally brushing up against each other in the course of living our own lives. And I wasn’t actually living mine, I was just, well, waiting for him to join me in it. Continuously.

Last weekend I was spending lots of time with my 2-year-old goddaughter who is such a little star, and I realised that I didn’t miss my boyfriend at all whereas I should’ve been aching from his absence from some of the most precious moments in my life. That’s when I knew. And then I realised I’ve known for a long time, I just haven’t had the courage to admit it. Yesterday I admitted it. It is over. And I find myself missing something I didn’t even have all along. And that makes it even sadder.

Despite where we ended up, he was under my skin for a long time. It feels cold and lonely now.

What next?

Without dismissing the soreness and sadness of the break-up, I have to admit it’s been quite a year for me. I overcame a lot (I can’t begin tell you how much) of fear and insecurity to enter a relationship after what seemed like a lifetime of singledom. I fell in love. I admitted it!! I was allowing happiness in my life. I made a real effort to get fit and find new things to try, discovering kettlebells and Bikram yoga. I decided to leave freelancing and in the process of finding a full-time job I faced unemployment head on. Actually I binged my way through some of it, and ended up in Abstinence in January. Just after I took then rejected a job that wasn’t right for me. And then, after months of rising to occasion after occasion, I found a job that feels right. I also looked at myself honestly, and really looked at how my life has changed. I trusted my intuition. I listened to my gut. And they didn’t let me down. It hasn’t been a straight-forward happy road, but I’ve taken it, and will keep on it.

I think I’ve grown up a little.

I GOT THE JOB!!! I START MONDAY!!!!!!!!!

I AM KNACKERED. And I feel like eating, not not-eating. I am preparing for the release of my life. I’m actually looking forward to a bit of a meltdown (not a big one as the job starts on Monday!!!) and a good cry about the past few months and having to hold hold hold and hold it together some more.

But in the meantime I’m holding on to food like to dear life. It’s gonna take more than one moment to make the shift to embrace life once again. But it’s happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay :)

I’m so tired, so overwhelmingly and utterly tired.

You see, I’ve been looking for a new job for a while now. Not unusual, considering the times we are living in. Nevertheless, the past 6 months or so have been the most strenuous and trying since I can remember. Selling myself. Believing in myself. Convincing everyone else. Starting from scratch every time there’s another meeting, another interview. Over and over and over and over again. And then again.

As a result I have resorted to some bingeing in order to not fall apart. Because I don’t yet TRUST that I wouldn’t. And right now, I really, really, really cannot afford to fall apart. Can’t afford it figuratively nor financially. Really can’t. So I eat. I drink. And I shop with money that I don’t have. Just to hold it together for a bit longer.

Do I see this as ‘failure’? No. I don’t even see it as a setback. I see it as a coping mechanism at a time when I need to be absolutely certain what the outcome is. And the outcome of this behaviour is: I am able to hold myself together. That’s the one most important thing I need right now.

And I’m now very close to getting an offer – we’re talking days. BUT. I don’t have it yet. And that means I have to keep going no matter how much I don’t want to anymore. Because until there is something CONCRETE, I can’t rest. And it feels like it’s never gonna end, and all I do now is wait for it to end. Just END. Just for there to be no more interviews, no more first-time meetings. No more picking myself up and dusting myself off every bloody day. Every day.

Feeling sorry for myself this week? You BETCHA!!!! But sometimes you gotta wallow in it to get over it. And it’s helping me stay a little bit saner. I don’t know why that works but it seems to. Hopefully this will be over within a week or so!!

This is not about trying to take stock of the whole 3 years if LighterLife – just capturing what’s going on in my head today. I went to my LL group today and realised I have learnt things, that I have changed more than I realise…

Embracing fat

I now feel FINE about buying & eating ‘normal fat’ cheese and yoghurt, for example. Actually, after a few times of standing in Sainsburys/Tesco’s and checking out the nutrition contents of every bloody yoghurt they have, I actually no longer want to buy the low fat stuff because it’s disgustingly filled with sugar.

And so, amazingly, I think I have reversed the Weight Watchers’ programming and gotten over preferring low fat above everything… WOW. Ain’t that quite something! And 3 years it’s taken me!!!!!!!!!!!! But honestly, I used to think I would never get over it.

Eating from a plate

Yes, I now like plating food and sitting down to eat it!! I think this one is purely down to practice. And not a little but also to do with to catering to the boyfriend. Nevertheless, slowly but surely, this has become my PREFERENCE. Quite incredible really, but I hardly ever eat straightfrom the fridge unless I’ve let myself starve which is less & less often :)

Things CAN change

It’s a hard thought, this one, because it holds so much HOPE. But it’s powerful now that I actually have personal evidence for it. Even I can’t fight that!

Although success continues to be a very, very hard thing to accept for me. It’s like I’m accumulating expectations and life becomes about performing. And THAT is very destructive on so many levels that I’m not even gonna go there right now.

SO. Not bad from 3 years of BLOODY HARD WORK. Life goes past so quickly there’s hardly time to stop and appreciate it.

This has been a most interesting month or so. I started off determined to lose a few more kilos on a strictly low carb diet, and ended up maintaining my weight on a low GI diet.

Low carbing

The low carbing was happening just fine for about 2 weeks, and then I had an overpowering urge for some pasta. I dealt with this in a very adult manner of going out to eat said pasta. It was heavenly, totally satisfied my urge and the way I dealt with the situation – openly, without guilt – made me quite happy. I wondered what triggered the need for pasta, and concluded that my new hobby of hot yoga (= Bikram yoga) was of course requiring quite a lot of my body, and making me not just want but NEED carbs in my diet. So basically the whole pasta episode made me realise that strict low carbing isn’t for me.

Low GI’ing

So then. Since about 3 weeks ago I adapted a careful low GI diet instead, adding lots and lots of vegetables – mainly green ones, very careful with carrots, brought back Braebury my favourite apple, and allowed myself the occasional bread or rice with lunch, or porridge in the morning. Everything seemed to be working really well, and since I allowed myself more carbs (relative term here, because I was still not having any SUGARs), I wasn’t feeling deprived and actually chose to NOT have any on many occasion when I could have had some. And I was drinking wine. No beer. Happy medium, I felt. IT WAS WORKING FOR ME!!!!

And then, hmmm

Then I went to Iceland for 5 days. There was a wedding, which was fine in terms of food as it was mainly fish and lamb, although then, having gotten quite drunk and totally forgotten I had already had some cake, my boyfriend counted I actually had 3 platefuls of cake!!!! And then there was bread for breakfast and a pizza for dinner the next day…

And then, well, it’s been a full week now since I got back and although mostly it’s been ok-ish, I have in fact 2 different types of bread in my kitchen, and last night I did have 4 very large Tesco’s Finest Double Choc Chip cookies. Pretty much enjoyed each one, I must say. Also I haven’t been to the gym or the yoga for 2.5 weeks now. And 3 days ago I started not wanting to weigh myself in the morning anymore (though I did today – and didn’t like the result).

Or was it so sudden?

So I’m finding myself in this situation where it would seem that I’m once again not quite caring about sticking to my plans. Although of course that’s UNFAIR because I do care. I think I might just be a bit tired. Not of the diet, because low GI eating actually made me feel very good and healthy in deed, and certainly not deprived! But of all things emotional. The wedding. Doubts about the relationship (no doubt triggered by the said wedding!). Getting over said doubts. Trying to find a job. Trying to find new projects. Trying to stay positive. Moving house!!!!!!!!

It’s all catching up. It’s like for about 4 weeks I can keep a momentum going, and then LIFE just gets the best of me and I crumble. Not totally, but a bit.

I really really want to get over this crumbling and on with it. If it’s not broken, etc. etc!!!!!!!!

I’ve started to notice that many health experts (and non-experts) now openly talk about emotional eating and binge eating. GOOD.

I’ve also noticed that they ALL only consider that eating is done to supress negative feelings/emotions. BAD!!

You see, for me, all emotions are equally difficult. When I binge, I aim to supress ALL EMOTIONS WITHOUT PREJUDICE. Sad, angry, depressed, yes, but also happy, proud, delighted… I find it very odd that this is being so blatantly ignored. Surely it is impossible to get to the ‘bottom’ of anyone’s bingeing if the default assumption is that the person only has issues with negative emotions!

Just observing.

Isn’t it FUNNY (not HA HA funny, just Joker style dark funny) how the best and firmest of plans go straight out the window when your family happens?

My family most certainly happened to me last weekend, and as a result I have, well, deviated from my Relaunch plan. So it’s a relaunch for the Relaunch, I guess. Not starting from scratch but from around halfway. Otherwise I am definitely NOT on my way to lose more weight but to gain. And THAT’S NOT ON!!

To be perfectly fair though, I don’t think this had so much to do with my sister but my mother.

Anyway, I’ve been eating loadsa bread and drinking loadsa wine, neither of which was on my plan until, well, wine today and bread maybe in March. And after suppressing a whole load of things – well, feelings mainly of course – over the weekend, the COMET’S TAIL GOT ME Monday & Tuesday. Totally got me, and not even by surprise. For those not in the know: a comet’s tail in eating terms is when you successfully ‘behave well’ over a stressful event or time (like Xmas, for example) and then forget to watch out for your crooked thinking right after it, and wheyhey, OOPS!

So I’ve had my OOPS and UH-OH moments and now it’s back to the business of learning to eat well & healthily and lose some more weight whilst doing it. And because I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed, failed and knackered from the last week or so, I think I might start with a nap.

Yesterday I was feeling anxious and very downbeat. Today I feel CALM.

And it occurred to me that getting all the anxiety out in yesterday’s post was something like the opposite of a binge. Perhaps even a very effective prevention of one. Because before I wrote the post yesterday I felt like I was headed fast to a place where oblivion would be needed, i.e. towards food, towards breaking my Abstinence in a very unplanned manner, even towards a proper binge. After I had written the post I was still a bit restless but it was easier to just keep drinking water and eventually go to bed without feeling tempted to cheat on Abstinence.

And today I feel calm. It’s not dissimilar to the calm in the eye of a binge except there is CONSCIOUSNESS. Mindfulness. Quite a different place to be in.

What does it mean? It means I need to re-learn the lessons I keep learning then ignoring: Write those Thought Records!! Don’t let stuff pile up in your mind until it’s too scary to look at. And most importantly, feel the feelings.

Reading through my January posts, it all seems a bit BLAH. Reading through my posts from Route to Management 2 years ago (see Feb-May 2008), it all seems so honest and real. Which effectively makes me feel like an impostor. Like I’m telling you a story rather than what’s going on.

So what has REALLY been going on?

Emotional & hormonal mayhem.

I’ve been all over the place in the past 3 weeks. Not just emotionally – as if that isn’t enough – but hormonally as well!! Will my cycle EVER get back to bloody normality before I actually hit menopause?!?!?!?!? I don’t know. And I haven’t done anything to sort it all out, like seen my GP which may seem like a logical thing to do, but which I. Just. Haven’t. Gotten. Around. To. Do.

Rejecting the boyfriend.

For the past 2 weeks I’ve almost completely rejected (refused to see him or sent him home at odd hours) my boyfriend who – bless his heart – has been nothing but supportive, trying hard to understand why I would want to do an extreme thing such as Abstinence, then making a real effort to read through the dietary/nutrition stuff that I’ve been reading to catch up with my thinking and to be able to support me with eating going forward, and just in general lending an ear and not critizising me at all… *SIGH*  But me, well, I’ve never done Abstinence with another person there. So that’s been freaking me out, and I’ve been so overprotective about EVERYTHING. Very careful to preserve nighttime especially for my own thoughts and for just being in my own space and not needing to deal with anyone else, let alone their eating, but mainly just with their presence which I have found intrusive and overwhelming. NEITHER OF WHICH ARE GOOD QUALITITES TO ATTACH TO YOUR PARTNER WHO IS MERELY WANTING TO HELP!!!!!! And of course the period cycle being messed up hasn’t exactly helped.

Which has led to GUILT.

Masses and masses of guilt over feeling I’m not accepting support that’s freely given, even when he’s said he’s happy to step back if that’s what I need. Even when he’s not even pushed at all but really stayed away unless I’ve wanted specifically to see him. And of course even then I’ve not been sure if that’s what I wanted to do or what I thought I SHOULD do. It’s very fucked up hard to know the difference.

Which has led to DOUBT.

Not doubt over the relationship. Doubt over whether I can really do this. And then despair over my own inability to define the bloody “THIS”!!!!! What is it that I’m trying to do? Lose weight? Well, yes. Sort my head out? That, too. Evaluate past 6 months’ behaviour especially around food? Definitely something I WANTED to do. And then panicking that the time I’m spending refusing to see the boyfriend and the time spent feeling guilty over it is preventing me from doing what I need to do!!!!!!

So it all remains a bit vague, still.

Yes, I’ve been yelling and yelping about knowing how I want to get eat after Abstinence. BUT I’m still a bit hazy on what it is that I want to accomplish. I mean obviously I continue towards learning to eat in a balanced and healthy way, and I believe I’ve now found new tools to support those efforts. But it feels as if there should be something else. And yet, maybe it’s as simple as seeking a balance… Although I know it’s not….

And not all’s been dealt with.

The relationship. I keep having moments when I’m scared that I’m in the relationship because it’s there. In those moments I wonder if it’s the real deal and worth sticking around for. I went single for so long that I keep doubting my motives, and his motives, but mostly mine really. And it’s extremely hard to allow myself to feel wanted. And I’ve come a long way. I now trust that he wants to be with me. I just have moments when I resent him for doing that. How’s that for the top 10 most un-loving things you can do to yourself? I feel so messed up about it, and it’s so hard to exist in those moments of doubt and self-loathing if he’s around because it’s totally impossible to explain what’s going on in my head. And so I guess I just push him away.

Some days I feel like I just can’t win.

I’ve been Abstinent for 2 full weeks. 14 days. I just realised what a fantastic accomplishment that is! Effectively, I have been successfully on a (very, if not extremely) strict diet for 2 weeks straight.

With LOTS AND LOTS OF UPS AND DOWNS!!! Emotionally, that is. I think some days I’ve just been emotional in general, unable to watch anything on telly without tearing up. And some days I’ve specifically cried over my own exhaustion and disappointments and fears and even happiness.

But I’ve done it. For 2 weeks. That’s quite something. Even now, almost 3 years of LighterLife under my belt, it’s HUGE. And I am taking a moment here to appreciate it. Bloody well done :D

And what’s even better is that I now have a plan. I HAVE A PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to my LL group on Tuesday and then starting Relaunch on Wednesday. The plan is to get through the LighterLife Relaunch (= moving back to conventional food) in the recommended 10 days. The twist I’m putting into it is I’m going to go low carb for all the meals for the 10 days in order to keep losing weight, hoping even maybe to stay in ketosis for at least part of it. So the starches will have to wait. I’m feeling pretty good about this.

And then, after the 10 days of Relaunch, depending on how I will have done with weight loss during that time, I’m either going to keep losing weight with a low carb diet, or move to a long-term low GI eating plan. I’ve bought so many books from Amazon on low GI and nutrition and cooking that have made me feel very positive about the future and what’s possible in terms of eating for me. Very positive :)

Hunger. What a simple word :) I’m sure most of you know what it feels like. I do, most of the time! But on Abstinence when you’re appetite gets supressed due to the fact that most energy you are getting is being converted from the fat in your body, hunger is a very different animal. It shouldn’t really exist, and that’s why what’s going on for me is not necessarily hunger.

What is it then? Well I don’t know if it’s the sudden burst of exercise (the hot yoga I’ve done 3 times in the past 5 days) or the fact that this is my 3rd time on Abstinence OR the fact that in the past 2 years I’ve become more and more sensitive to my body and learnt to listen to it better, but there is definitely a physical feeling going on in my stomach – today is Day 14 of this bout of Abstinence and I’m still undecided on whether it’s HUNGER or just some sort of HOLLOWNESS that’s rumbling in my stomach.

It’s worth mentioning because it’s quite a prominent feeling for me at the moment. Makes me think even more about what am I going to do about dealing with conventional food, going forward. Which I suppose is a good thing…

It also keeps reminding me that this (=Abstinence) is not a continuous or a normal state of existence, i.e. keeps me grounded in some way. Keeps me from becoming disillusioned and thinking I’m somehow existing in a bubble where nothing can touch me. YES I’ve kept most people at arm’s length in the past 2 weeks, just in order to get the head space I’ve needed so badly. YES I’ve been happily reading about food, watching food programs and thinking about eating (after Abstinence) because I haven’t actually needed to deal with food. But it’s not something I can do without consequences all the time. The time window is quite brief, actually.

And SOON I will once again have to deal with food, real physical hunger, people, and the reality of my life ALL THE TIME. And you know what? It’s not as scary as it once was for me :D

It’s Day 12 of my repeated Abstinence and I’ve been pondering about this every day. And let’s be clear, I’m talking about voluntary Abstinence, as opposed to the 1st part of LighterLife, the Foundation. I did Foundation nearly 3 years ago, I’m now doing Abstinence by choice because I re-gained more weight than I’m comfortable with, and doing Foodpacks for a bit works for me right now.

How long shall I go on for – until I’ve lost ALL the weight I want to lose? That would be another stone or so (7 kg-ish), which in LighterLife terms means about 4 weeks of Abstinence, and that thought feels excessive.

It feels excessive in many ways: firstly I wonder if I should put my body through that many weeks (remember I’ve almost done 2 weeks already) AGAIN, I mean my hormonal balance is, well, off balance, and my poor body has never yet quite recovered from all the yo-yo’ing in the past and I’m just a bit reluctant to mess it up even more…

Secondly, I’m reluctant to lose all the weight I want to lose by Abstinence. I would like to learn to lose weight by eating healthily. Of course this is SOOOOOO much easier said than done, and I’m not at all convinced that this is something I can do. Not YET. This is something I want to do, but I hesitate to trust myself to try it. If I went this route, which is sort of preferrable to another month of full Abstinence, I would wait to lose another 3kg and then start mixing Foodpacks and conventional food.

In these 3 years I’ve been with LighterLife, they’ve moved forward along with the needs and practicalities of their members: they have admitted – very bravely, methinks – that people do sometimes lapse in a big way, and developed ‘Re-launch’ which is a plan where you are allowed to repeat Abstinence and then re-introduce conventional food somewhat quicker than you do the 1st time round when you go through Route to Management, a 12-week program to bring real food back into your life. And this is essentially what I’m doing, although I’m also using this time for learning about different ways of eating (like low-carbing, low GI, log GL and so on) and hopefully finding a way forward.

Which is exactly where the point of this post lies: I believe that I need to know how I want to ‘go forward’ before I end my Abstinence. So although it’s also about the weight, it’s even more about being clear about WHAT I WANT.

What I want right now – for my future – is to learn to balance my meals to avoid too many carbs/too much sugar, and to feel satisfied/full after each meal. Also I want to be able to deal with all food, maybe heavily reducing some, but not needing to ban any.

And although I’m on way to working out what the suitable eating plan would be, I’m not yet there. Also I have the 3kg or so to lose before I want to deal with conventional food. So therefore my Abstinence continues for now.

I’m doing this thing I talked about the other day – inputting notes from during Foundation because I didn’t have the blog back then – and I’m a little bit disturbed by the nature of my notes. They seem so, well, shallow. Reading through March-May 2007 is like observing someone speeding through one of the most important parts of their life. The Foundation. It’s so weird, and it’s thrown me a bit off balance tonight.

I mean, yes, I get it that it takes a LONG TIME to come round to doing all the headwork needed for LighterLife to actually work for you, but was I really just getting on with my life and letting the weight drop off and not give it all that much thought?!?  I mean, what I’ve been writing wasn’t exactly deep… Not that most of what I’ve written is :) But you know what I mean. Thoughtful.

I do remember that it took me a hell of a long time to start doing Thought Records and actually looking at what’s going on in my HEAD as opposed to what I THINK is going on, but it feels so odd and so distant to be reviewing my own notes now, nearly 3 years later.

Maybe there IS such a thing as moving on. Well :) Wasn’t that a bit negative! I know I’ve moved on. I guess I’ve just been all focused on how much further I’ve still got to go to really stop and appreciate how far I’ve already come.

And in all honesty, it’s not just reading my early LL notes that’s making me realise this. Someone very special told me the exact thing last night. It just took a bit of time and typing up my own scribblings to really see it. Boy.

(He does make me smile.)

Call it distraction, call it reflection, whatever, but I’m finally digging up notes from during my initial LighterLife Abstinence, so that this blog gets a proper beginning.

It’s been bothering me that I didn’t start this blog until one year into my journey, because we all forget, don’t we. And I want to remember. So I’m now going to be adding entries from the very start, based on what I can find in notebooks and journals. Those will be backdated and you’ll be able to find them by using the ‘LighterLife stage’ filter. I’m making a start today so check back tomorrow!!

And here is how it unfolded:

10:00 ok it’s warm with no oxygen that I can detect
10:01 she calls me ‘Kelly’. Can’t win them all!
10:05 sweating like hell, everyone else looks cool & dry
10:10 annoyed by sweaty smell in class
10:15 have to drink, but told off for drinking ‘too soon’
10:25 allowed to drink
10:25-10:45 mostly spent in & out of dizziness, sitting down, focusing on breathing
10:55-11:05 feeling GREAT!
11:05-11:15 keep thinking it’s like kiddie Sauna. And how poor my breathing skills are.
11:15-11:30 working hard, less dizzy

And then it’s done. Afterwards I wish there was a pool or a snow bank to dive into…

Absolutely brilliant!! Bikram Yoga Soho have an unbeatable introductory offer: Attend unlimited classes in 10 days for £20!! Can’t beat that in London! GO TRY IT!!! I’m definitely going back.

I just left a crazy over-long rant at the LighterLife website complaining about the damage they’re doing to the LighterLife brand by putting out a sub-standard website, getting on Twitter without a clue or any intention of having any actual conversations, and ignoring the badmouthing of LighterLife that’s going on on the various Facebook groups and pages.

God I’m angry!!!!! Not going to detail but suffice to say I’m VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY disappointed. I for one would like to see the program that’s working for me being respected by providing an appropriate quality website and by hiring professional PR & comms people who actually know what they’re doing and how the social web works.

HEAVILY SUB-STANDARD!!! There is no excuse. None. They should all be ashamed.

Blessing the day a couple of years ago when I bought a box of Ketostix!! It’s now Day 5 of my current bout of Abstinence and I can confirm I am officially in ketosis!! What a difference it makes to the motivation… In all honesty I did not drink enough water in the first 2-3 days but I have now consciously upped the water intake to make sure it’s at least the recommended 4 liters a day, and once again, that’s making a difference to how I feel, i.e. how hungry, how cold, how energetic. Must. Not. Forget.

It’s not that I had completely forgotten what Abstinence is like, but I have to admit I had forgotten a lot. Forgotten how emotional I feel in the beginning whilst my body fights against the sudden lack of the sugar and alcohol… How clearly I can look at and think about food… How clearly I can see all those decisions and projects I’ve been procrastinating on…. How clearly I can see undesirable patterns in my behaviour, and how those have contributed to the recent weight gain…. It’s VERY TIRING!! But of course it’s also exhilarating. It feels like progress. And progress is what I yearn for.

So on the whole it’s all good. I had forgotten how rewarding it feels to know I’m in ketosis. I guess I was subconsciously thinking maybe Abstinence wouldn’t “work” this time. What an absurd thought!!! I know better.

The mind is a wonderful thing but boy, is it a bastard sometimes, pushing that crooked thinking to the forefront like there’s no tomorrow.

Yessir, I am BACK IN ABSTINENCE. For a bit anyway.

January 1-3 I tried a Route to Management week 1 sort of thought: 3 foodpacks and 1 meal. Turned into 3 foodpacks and 1 binge… Yes I admit it. Didn’t work so well. And I wasn’t going to see how much worse it might get. SO. Today is day 2 in Full Abstinence.

And boy, I can see it all so clearly now. It’s amazing. Here are my ‘best bits’ in terms of observations and revelations so far – quite a lot for 5 days as you can tell:

I’ve always sneaked food

This is the big one: I USED TO SNEAK FOOD AS A KID. I really did – I can remember, all of a sudden, several incidents of sneaking food, especially the sort of gooey chocolate covered brownies my mom used to make in large badges and keep in the freezer, knowing my mom would notice as she always noticed everything, and still unable to stop myself. I can also remember secretly using some of the grocery money to buy sweets, although I’m unable to remember what exactly it was that I bought.

And up until this very week I have firmly believed that I never ever did that. Actually, that’s bogus. I’ve WANTED to keep believing that I never did. But now I know I’ve known it all along. All along. Just haven’t been able to face it. What this means is quite significant: I didn’t start emotional eating in 1999. I started way back in the 1970′s.

Yo-yo’ing is still on

One year ago – as you can read yourself in an earlier post – I took stock on my LighterLife journey so far and noticed that my yo-yo’ing had gotten smaller. However, here I am, 7 kilos over where I was last year.

And it’s so very hard to admit that I have once again put this weight on in a very short time – probably actually over a longer time than many times before, but fast nevertheless. I was so bloody fit last summer (not just slim, FIT!!)… And then I put on 1.5 stone between August and Xmas and lurged myself back into discomfort and anxiety. JUST GREAT. Not at all happy about it, but, once again, doing something about it and feeling better for it.

Being in a relationship is hard

I don’t mean hard work in the sense that my relationship is difficult. I mean hard in the sense that I keep feeling I don’t know how to be in one. Just as soon as I think it’s all cool and I’m fine with this new role of being a girlfriend – and it’s been a very long time since I was one – I have a massive freakout. Since August I’ve become better in looking at how I feel, but I’ve clearly still have issues with eating when we are together. In a word, I’m not eating like I know is good for me. I’m eating like I think I should eat.

It’s really hard to strike a balance with this. I think my initial 3 days of trying to mix foodpacks and food were my attempt to compromise between continuing to spend time and share meals (=love?) with my boyfriend, and true Abstinence which to me also means space, solitude and selfishness. It doesn’t ONLY mean those things, but it does include all that.

So what I’ve done now is I have actually talked to him about it. HA!! I have actually told him I really desperately need to go on Abstinence for a bit at least and I don’t know how else to go about it but by withdrawing quite heavily in the beginning. And we are seeing how it goes and he’s giving me space and I’m appreciating it already, and I’m also missing him already but a huge part of Abstinence to me is clearing my head and looking at things directly in the eye, hard. And not twitching.

Food is interesting

Makes me laugh :D This is actually why I started to write this post! I met up with a friend yesterday and accompanied her to Tesco’s and since due to my Abstinence I had no intent or desire to buy food, I realised I was immensely fascinated by every single food item in there, reading labels left right and centre, and noticing foodstuffs I don’t think I’ve ever noticed before!! It was so liberating *lol*

And so it goes

So Abstinence is what I’m doing for now. I’m taking it one week or a few days at a time, although I would like to go for about 3 weeks at least. In addition I do have a more superficial goal of attending one of my best friends’ wedding late February and actually wanting to fit into something feel good about myself wearing whatever I’ll end up wearing.