Watching the weight at year end

(LighterLife Management – Month 7)
These are the facts: 2 years ago around this time, I weighted almost 90 kilos. 1 year ago this time I weighted at around 80 kilos. This time, I have just reached (upwards) the 70 kilo mark.
Do not be fooled to think this is a result of mindful and patient weight [...]

Management – Month 5 summary

(LighterLife Management – Month 5)
So this is my life pre-Geneen. I think all October I’ve been pretending that I’m ok, that life is normal, that I’m just like anybody else. Whether it’s been because I’m so NERVOUS about the workshop (I’m flying today!!) or whether I’m just so nervous IN GENERAL about having to face [...]

A new kind of terror – coming out

(LighterLife – Management Month 5)
Do you have to tell? I was introduced to a lovely guy some 6 months ago when I was just entering Week 5 of Route to Management, so he’s only seen me at my ‘normal’: back to drinking and eating real food, and pretty much within one size!
I didn’t realise this [...]

Management – Month 3 summary

(LighterLife Management – Month 3)
AUGUST. It’s been a strange month.
The control thing
I’ve been terrified about losing control, as I did last summer, when I cheated myself into believing I could handle ‘it’ on my own… Well. I shouldn’t say losing control, more like slipping back to where it’s difficult to return from. I mean, seeing [...]

Bravely moving forward

(LighterLife Management – Month 3)
Whaddayaknow. My weeks off cycling hadn’t in fact deteriorated my physique completely – yes I was knackered after only a 20-minute ride last Thursday, but now it’s like I was never away. I LOVE it!!
And I went to an LL meeting on Friday. I actually genuinely wanted to go, unlike a [...]

Touch me – I wanna feel MY body

(LighterLife Route to Management – Week10 Day5)
I need to be touched to feel real. I had a lovely Chinese Tui na massage today and during the 60 minutes that the guy kept bounding and rolling and pinching my body I was so acutely aware that no-one else has been touching my body lately (much!) and [...]

Route to Management – Week 9

(LighterLife Route to Management – Week9 Day 6)
What a strangely ‘normal’ week. Don’t quite know how else to sum it up.
I have found my first real food trigger.
Let’s get right down to it: porridge is fine any time, day or night. Comforting it is, addictive it is not, nor binge-triggering. Not based on this [...]

The necessary evil(s) of planning

(LighterLife Route to Management – Week9 Day4)
My relationship with planning – WELL!! Part of me so obsessed, part of me wanting desperately to not care, and yet another part of me somehow understanding there is a middle ground there somewhere. Somewhere.
I’m keeping so many records it’s bordering on madness! I write the food & mood [...]

Coping strategies: Take the true compliments

(LighterLife Route to Management – Week9 Day3)
I think I’m on to something here. I attended a big party last night and during the night got a very heart-felt, genuine compliment from a childhood friend. I think I last saw him in November last year, which was during the heavy drinking, heavy eating period I went [...]

Route to Management – Week 8

(LighterLife Route to Management – Week8 Day5)
Stuck in the middle. That’s mainly how this week has been going.
I haven’t planned much.

I have avoided my feelings.
I have binged.
You may think there’s text missing from between the headings above, but REALLY, those 3 little sentences say it all for this past week. I haven’t planned much. I [...]